Counseling for Anger Problems
“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about change.”
— Malcolm X
What is anger?
The term anger refers generally to feelings of oppositional dislike toward someone or something perceived as threatening.
We can recognize anger internally, and can feel it in our physical bodies and hear it in our thoughts. We also can recognize anger externally. We can see it in the words we use, our actions, and body language.
Anger, like all emotions, is healthy and normal. However, this powerful emotion can cause problems for us when it gets out of control.
When is anger justified?
The feeling of anger can be empowering. When we're angry, we feel energized, righteous, and powerful. Sometimes this response is totally justified.
Unexpected changes
Someone crosses or ignores a personal boundary
Pain or injury
A response to hurt or fear
Losing power, respect, or status
Unfair treatment
Attacks or threats against you or someone you love
We're blocked from achieving a big goal
What are the benefits of anger?
Our bodies naturally respond to these situations by releasing stress hormones. We prepare our bodies for a fight by releasing adrenaline and cortisol. In this way, anger gives us the strength and energy to fight. Here are some of the benefits of anger:
Tells us when our boundaries are being crossed, and empowers us to take action.
Destroy any obstacles in our path.
Makes us want to change or take control
Alerts us to a real threat
Encourages us to take proactive measures to defend ourselves.
Gives us the courage to stand up for ourselves.
Take action against injustice.
Expose our insecurities, allowing us to work on them.
Remind us of our passions.
Uncover underlying issues and anything else we need to work on.
What is healthy anger?
It's okay to be angry. Expressing our anger in the right way promotes honesty and healing. Healthy anger looks like this:
It's low to moderate in intensity. It tends towards irritation and frustration, not hostility.
It's being self-aware, knowing when your anger is rising. You are consciously aware of your emotions when you're angry.
It's all about understanding the message that the emotion is trying to give you. Being curious about it, and learning.
Knowing what you need and respecting yourself.
Recognizing and respecting what people around you need.
Process your anger without lashing out or shutting down.
When does anger become a problem?
Anger allows us to effectively respond to threats and potential harms. However, this powerful emotion can cause problems for us when it gets out of control.
Anger becomes a problem when it's too intense, happens too often, or is expressed inappropriately.
Attitudes:
A hostile attitude, or expression of deep animosity that motivates aggressive behavior.
An antagonistic attitude that makes other people defensive and hostile.
Oppositional and defiant.
Beliefs:
Seeing others as the enemy, believing that "you're either with me or against me." Looking at the world like "it's kill or be killed."
Mistrust is deeply ingrained. Expecting others to hurt you if left unchecked. Assuming the worst. Anticipating abuse, humiliation, lying, cheating, and manipulation.
The idea that all harm is done on purpose.
Having a sense of failure or being fundamentally inadequate or defective.
Beliefs about subjugation. Believing you need to surrender control to others to avoid conflict, retaliation, or abandonment.
A sense that your own desires, opinions, and feelings don't matter.
Having unrealistic and unfair expectations of yourself and others.
The belief that you're better than others and deserve special rights or privileges without consequences.
The belief that you can't handle discomfort and lack self-control.
Belief in harsh punishments for mistakes or wrongdoings.
Thoughts:
Blaming others instead of taking accountability.
Making justifications for inappropriate behaviors and insensitive comments.
Using "all or nothing" thinking patterns. Seeing things as being either "right" or "wrong," with no gray area or middle ground. For example, "there is a right way and a wrong way of doing things."
Violent thoughts.
Frequent fantasies about causing harm or suffering to another person.
Examples of thoughts that can lead to anger:
“Others should put my needs first”
“If I yell at people, then they will treat me better.”
“The only way people will hear me is if I yell.”
“I know what's right.”
"Others have to make my life better/"
"The only way I can cope with anger is by acting out."
"If others threaten me, then I have to hurt them."
"My needs always come last."
"If I hurt myself, I will feel better."
"I can't say what I really think."
"This will show people how I really feel."
"I'll deal with anger later."
"My anger will eventually go away on its own."
"It's wrong to be angry."
"Addressing anger will only make it worse."
Feelings:
Anger is inside of you, but you cannot express it.
You have impulses to hurt other people.
Your self-hatred is overwhelming.
There is a bitter feeling in your heart and you feel resentful.
You have impulses to harm yourself.
You have trouble expressing your feelings except for anger as a way to gain some control over the situation.
By being aggressive, you feel that you have the power to dominate others.
A hypersensitivity to feeling trapped.
The feeling of being rushed and not being able to slow down.
Actions:
When others get on your nerves, you "blow up"
You're always critical of others.
Withdrawing affection.
Uncontrolled outbursts of anger, or temper tantrums.
You tend to isolate yourself a lot.
Doing something destructive to yourself or others.
Always put the needs of others first, before your own.
Putting yourself first, no matter what, all the time, with no thought for others.
Giving up too easily.
Intentionally harming another person or damaging their property.
Angry verbal outbursts, where you may yell, scream, or curse.
A verbal rant that involves extreme criticism, ridicule, and humiliation.
Sudden episodes of aggression, impulsivity, or disruptive behavior.
Breaking objects unintentionally
Abusing people or animals.
Road rage
You frequently get into arguments and spark conflict.
Arguments often spiral out of control.
Consequences:
It's been said that you have an anger problem.
Stressing your body out and affecting your health.
When you're around, your family, friends, or employees seem nervous or on eggshells.
When you're angry, you hurt other people unintentionally.
Your family or friends think you have anger issues, or have cut off contact with you because of it.
Conflicts at work.
Some stores and establishments don't welcome you.
There was an anger-related incident that got you arrested.
Relationships become strained or damaged.
Where do anger issues come from?
Problems with anger rarely happen in isolation. It's usually a symptom of something else going on. It might be an underlying mental health issue, like:
Depression
Bipolar disorder
Intermittent explosive disorder
Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder
Borderline personality disorder
Addiction or substance abuse
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Our frequent angry outbursts or meltdowns may also mean we don't have the coping skills we need to deal with certain life stresses. Common obstacles that can keep us from dealing with our anger effectively are:
Life experiences and upbringings that taught us anger is an appropriate and effective way to get what we want.
We get overwhelmed with other intense emotions and lash out as a way to release them.
If we show anger, we're afraid of being rejected, disliked, excluded, or abandoned.
The fear of retaliation, of someone trying to "get back at you," or of someone in a power position abusing that power.
We don't even realize we're angry.
Expectations that aren't realistic.
How does therapy help with anger problems?
Therapy explores contributing factors and underlying issues of unhealthy expressions of anger. Given the connection between anger problems and underdeveloped coping skills, therapy works to build these internal resources. In treating anger problems, therapy addresses:
Emotional Needs
Anger signals an unmet emotional need. Getting angry is a sign that something's wrong, and it empowers us to fix it. Anger can indicate that we're neglecting our own care, or that we are suffering from a deep hurt that hasn't been processed, or that we're close to somebody who's hurting us. Therapy can help us gain insight towards our emotional needs and their importance. We can discover how these needs have been met, partially met, or unmet throughout our lives. Treatment can also help us recognize and overcome barriers to receiving the emotional support we need from our loved ones.
Boundaries
Anger tells us our personal boundaries are in danger. When we let someone in our lives take advantage of us too much, we feel like we're backed into a corner, and there's no way out. This can cause us to explode at others or implode and self-destruct. When stuck in this cycle, we become too tired to take care of ourselves. In therapy, we can gain insight into these patterns and where they come from. We can recognize obstacles to self-care and learn ways to overcome them. Treatment can help us develop strategies for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
Communication Styles
We get frustrated when we cannot communicate effectively. These communication challenges come in many forms. We might be too passive, and pretend we don’t have needs. We may not know what we want. Or, we may just go with the flow to avoid conflict. Being disconnected form our needs or too fearful to express them, results in neglect. Eventually, this builds resentment and leads to all sorts of problems.
We might be more passive-aggressive, and indirectly communicate our wants, needs, and feelings. We expect others to pick up on our cues and decode our subtle hints. Instead of being passive, the passive-aggressive approach allows us to maintain some sense of control. We usually do this to avoid direct conflict and confrontation. Yet, this creates tension in relationships and frustrates all people involved. Others may feel confused, manipulated, and deeply hurt by our actions. Even if this approach solves our immediate problem, the long-term effects can be devastating.
We use an overly aggressive communication style, when we use dominance to express ourselves. We speak loudly, and come across as abrasive and overbearing. We show a blatant disregard for others, as we hyperfocus on our own needs. This approach works in limited situations where we can overpower others to get what we want. However, we cause significant damage in the process. Overt aggression can be dangerous, and has the highest likelihood of escalating into violence and legal trouble.
Therapy helps us gain insight towards our communication style and it’s consequences. We can learn assertiveness skills, and how to express anger constructively.
Accountability
Anger thrives on blame. We might blame others for making us act that way. We might hate life for being so hard. We may punish and shame ourselves, or let others control us. Whenever we feel out of control, we don't take responsibility for it. We believe that we didn't have a choice, and so it's not our fault. In anger, we don't hear anyone else's voice except our own. We think we're right, no one understands us, so we get defensive. Therapy allows us to see these patterns, and correct them. Therapy encourages compassionate accountability. In therapy, we can learn to listen to others and take their feedback into account. Therapy can help us learn to own our feelings instead of acting them out.
Distress tolerance
If our emotions get the best of us, we can lash out and act impulsively. We might do something we regret later and say things we didn't mean. Learning to tolerate uncomfortable feelings takes time and practice, just like building muscles. Therapy teaches us distress tolerance skills. We discover ways to cool off and calm down. Eventually, we learn how to regulate our emotions, and how to tolerate the pain beneath our anger.