Breaking Free from Pornography Addiction, Part 1
5 comprehensive strategies for managing porn use.
You hold the key to freedom. by rina - adobe.stock.com
What keeps you safe from yourself?
If left completely to our own devices, without restraint or risk of consequence, who knows what kind of trouble we'd run into?
Instant gratification can be a tough habit to break. It requires retraining the brain to value long-term gains more than immediate pleasures.
Building this muscle takes work and self-discipline. If it were easy, then we wouldn’t struggle or need help.
Oftentimes, an early step in recovery involves creating boundaries or barriers. After all, barriers are for protection. They keep us safe from potential threats and harm.
Rather than acting totally impulsively, barriers slow us down and allow us to "stop and think" before acting on an urge.
In addiction treatment, we talk about building barriers as a way to prevent relapse.
With this in mind, consider two types of barriers: internal barriers and external barriers.
Internal barriers come from within us. It includes things like our thoughts, beliefs and attitudes.
External barriers come from outside of us. They are more environmental and situational. For more on creating external barriers to manage porn use, check out part two of our series on Breaking Free From Porn Addiction.
To help explain and clarify these concepts, here’s an example of applying them to another type of addiction, alcoholism.
Think about someone in recovery from alcoholism. He or she is developing internal and external barriers that keep them from drinking.
One internal barrier could be recognizing their "stinkin' thinking" or the mental patterns that bring them back to drinking. Keeping alcohol out of the house could be an external barrier.
5 Internal Barriers for Breaking Porn Addiction
Internal barriers come from within and focus on thoughts, beliefs and attitudes. Building these barriers requires self-awareness. Knowing yourself means observing your thoughts and being honest about them.
#1 : Break Down Excuses
What type of rationalizations do you use to justify watching porn?
When we feel an urge to engage in a problem behavior, a part of our brain knows it isn’t a good idea. To overcome this initial resistance and sense of guilt, we come up with reasons to make it okay. We call these “excuses.”
Recognizing these excuses in real time and correcting them, is one internal barrier that can be developed with active self-monitoring and reflection.
Identify Thoughts
If you can’t think of the excuses you use, try keeping a thought log to monitor what thoughts you have prior to acting out.
Consider ways you justify, rationalize, and minimize your relationship with porn.
For example:
“it’s harmless”
“this will be the last time”
“I worked hard and deserve this”
Challenge Thoughts
After identifying your excuses, the next step is challenging them.
One way to do this is by “putting thoughts on trial” and examining the evidence.
Let’s try this using one of the examples above.
The Thought:
Watching porn is harmless.
The Defense (argument for the excuse):
I ‘m not hurting anybody.
There’s nothing wrong with watching porn.
Porn is a safe way to get my sexual needs met.
The Prosecution (argument against the excuse):
Porn has hurt me, and contributed to problems in my relationships.
Porn is a sketchy industry.
Porn isn’t safe for me because once I start, I can’t stop.
Modify Thoughts
The last step involves evaluating the evidence and drawing a conclusion. This is often a modified more rational version of the initial thought.
The Judge’s Verdict:
Porn is not completely harmless. It harms me by contributing to problems in my life. It also causes tension in my relationship and upsets my partner. Porn might be fine for other people, but it doesn’t work for me.
#2 : Build Up Motivation
Are you conflicted about if pornography is really all that bad for you? Do you question if you’ll be able to change your porn habits?
Motivational exercises can help resolve these types of internal conflicts.
Values Exploration
Taking the time to identify your core values is a way to reconnect with yourself, and solidify what’s most important to you.
Check out our post on how to identify core values, what they mean, and how to apply them.
We give you a step-by-step guide on how to figure out your personal core values.
After your done developing a list of your values, take a look at where pornography fits in.
Pros & Cons
Like most “bad habits,” we watch porn because it feels good in the moment. Getting that instant relief pulls us in, and once we do it enough becomes automatic.
One way to overcome this is by taking closer look at the costs and benefits of viewing porn. You are doing this for a reason, so what are you getting out of it?
Take a moment to write down as many positive aspects or benefits that pornography gives you?
Pro’s (positive aspects or benefits of porn):
Getting my sexual needs met
No emotional risk
Pleasant distraction
Now, examine the cons of porn use. What consequences have you experienced? How do you feel afterwards? In what ways does watching porn this limit you? Consider both the short and long-term costs.
Con’s (negative aspects or consequences of porn):
Relationship problems
Feelings of emptiness
Waste of time
# 3 : Develop New Coping Skills
How do you cope with stress, overwhelm, and painful emotions? What are somethings that you do to self-soothe?
These are your coping strategies.
Many people use sex, masturbation, and porn to self-soothe. But this can become a problem if it’s the only coping skill you use.
This type of coping skill appeals to our desire for instant gratification. We like having a quick fix.
Less healthy coping strategies usually provide quick relief, followed by negative consequences. Depending on your personal beliefs and habits, porn can fall into this category, especially if used excessively.
Healthier coping strategies don't always provide that instant relief. The positive effects are less intense in the moment, but come with more positive outcomes in the long run.
If porn has become your primary outlet, then you may benefit from learning new coping skills.
There are many different tools you can try. For example, visualizing your favorite place, stretching your muscles, playing with a pet, go for a walk, etc. Remember not everything works for everybody. Experiment with some new activities and see what works for you.
# 4 : Practice Self-Compassion
What does you inner voice sound like? Is it kind, warm and compassionate? Or is your self-talk more harsh, critical, and loud?
Our inner critic tells us things like:
“You’ll never be good enough”
“You’re a failure”
“You’re weak”
“You’re inadequate”
“No one likes you”
“You’re unlovable”
This type of negative self-talk contributes to feelings of shame, which increases risk of relapse.
Try replacing self-criticism with self-compassion.
Having compassion for yourself means being able to forgive, accept, and love yourself no matter what. A compassionate voice sounds like a nurturing parent consoling a wounded child.
Examples of compassionate self-talk are:
“I’m doing the best I can given the circumstance”
“It’s OK to feel this way”
“I made a mistake, which is disappointing. I’d like to use this as an opportunity to grow.”
To silence our inner critic with self-compassion, we first need to recognize our negative self-talk. We can do this by increasing self-awareness, staying mindful of our thoughts and what our inner-critic tells us.
The next step is reframing these thoughts. To do this, ask yourself:
How possible is it that I’m being too hard on myself?
What would I say to a friend if they were in this situation?
For more on self-compassion, check out “How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips” by Positive Psychology.
# 5 : Ride the Wave
It's common for urges to be triggered by uncomfortable emotions, like frustration, loneliness and boredom. If you try to control your urges and get upset with yourself in the process, the urge will only get stronger.
Even when the urge becomes unbearable, you might resist it until you can't stand it any longer.
But when you give in and act on your urges, your rewarded with an instant sense of relief. This holds you over for a while, but soon enough the urge returns. It builds up again, and the cycle continues.
Urges are like waves in the ocean. They don't just pop up out of nowhere at full strength. They start small and grow. Initially, a wave is just a tiny bump under a smooth ocean. As it moves along, it grows bigger and stronger. Until it eventually crashes into the sea. Then the water gets calm again.
Just like ocean waves, urges will come back again and again, forever crashing and washing over you. There is no way to stop it. Relentlessly fighting against waves in the ocean leads to exhaustion and drowning. Catching the wave and riding it into shore is much more effective.
So the next time you feel an urge, imagine yourself as a surfer riding a wave towards the shore.
Recognize the urge, notice the feeling, and accept the discomfort. The urge will pass if you can just ride it out, one minute at a time.
With practice you'll be able to see the urges for what they are: temporary and fleeting.
Summary
Building barriers creates distance between you and your porn addiction. Internal barriers relate to your inner world and strengthening your psyche, and include the following:
while external barriers target environmental factors.
This post covered the following internal barriers
In the 10 strategies provided for overcoming porn addiction, 5 were internal barriers and 5 were external barriers.
Internal Barriers
Break down excuses
Build up motivation
Develop new coping skills
Practice self-compassion
Ride the wave
Unlike internal barriers, external barriers deal with more environmental factors. They're usually easier to implement and can be more practical. To learn more, check out Breaking Free from Porn Addiction, Part 2.
In Part 2 we cover 5 additional strategies for managing porn use that focus on building external barriers.
We also provide a FREE bonus resource to help you implement these strategies.
Interested in learning more? Reach out and let us know.
Are you tired of battling your porn addiction on your own? If you are feeling up to it and are located in New York State, book your free 20-minute consultation with a professional.
Bonus: FREE 35-page workbook, “A Starting Point: Strategies for Overcoming Compulsive Sexual Behaviors - Pornography”
